How does one make better decisions, ones that are more confidently undertaken, more fully acted upon, and that lead to better results? One way is to have a systematic decision-making process, an aspect of the decision-making process I’ll present in a future post.

But beyond following a step-by-step yet flexible decision-making process, there is a sometimes subtle yet always powerful factor that affects us as we make a decision and that can help or hinder our ability to do so. This factor is the role our emotions play when we are faced with making a decision. And, make no mistake, making a choice is often not simply a coldly rational weighing of options. Instead, powerful, yet at times unrecognized, emotions drive decisions towards some options and away from others, and that, sometimes, leads to chronic indecisiveness (which itself has the effect of being a decision made, though one done so passively). Today, I focus on some of the emotions that arise during decision-making and how they affect the success or failure of this process.

Unavoidable Uncertainty

One emotion that arises when making an important decision is fear, and the more momentous and life-altering the decision, the greater the fear. A perhaps more accurate descriptor of this emotion is anxiety, which connotes a mentally and physically activated emotional state related to the risk of possible (future) dangerous outcomes.
Some people are more prone to anxiety. This is not necessarily maladaptive. For example, the more prone to anxiety a person is, the greater focus they will have on ensuring their own and their family’s safety and security. A person who is more risk-averse is more likely to miss out on opportunities that were available, but they chose not to pursue. Still, there is a happy median; some risk aversion is prudent, too much is overly constraining, and the chronic anxiety born of this risk aversion becomes a problem of its own.

With that as background, let’s look at how fear or anxiety plays a role in decision-making. The challenge in making a decision is that risk is inherent to decision-making and unavoidable. Choosing means choosing a particular future, that is, choosing a course of action that will result in a series of consequences that will extend into the future, perhaps for the rest of the chooser’s life, and this choice is made in the context of significant uncertainty. This type of uncertainty is unavoidable and can’t be fully cured by doing more research. It is ontological, that is, it pertains to the very core of the nature of the world as it unfolds in time. This ontological uncertainty relates to two things. First, a person cannot fully know what it is like to be in a different state than they have ever been in before. When deciding to propose marriage or to accept or reject a marriage proposal, a person does not fully know what it will be like to be married in general, nor married to this particular partner. And second, uncertainty relates to future consequences. Events are massively overdetermined; that is, there are too many inputs into what happens and how events turn out for anyone to ever be able to fully predict future outcomes.

For the person who is more risk-averse and/or anxiety-prone, there are two ways of dealing with their difficulties in making decisions. First is to conduct a thorough due diligence. One thing I’ve learned from anxious people is that all too often they are so exhausted from their worry ruminations and the physical consequences of a chronic stress state, that they research and plan less than do less anxious people. As mentioned, uncertainty over how a decision will play out is unavoidable, but some of this uncertainty can be identified and addressed. Certain scenarios, when reflected upon, are partially foreseeable. And this partial foreseeability can be accounted for during the decision-making process and addressed through hazard-reduction measures ahead of time.

Second, for the risk-averse person faced with making a decision, there must be a thoughtful coming to terms with the unavoidable component of uncertainty that is present as an inherent part of decision-making. One thought that can help in this regard is to remind oneself that not making a decision or continuing to procrastinate is itself a decision. This avoided decision that is itself a decision has its own associated risks and is itself associated with uncertainty. So, given that making and not making a decision are both risky and associated with uncertainty, it is better to think through, research, and then make a decision actively and not passively accept come what may.

Other Hidden Emotions Surrounding Decision-Making

The fear or anxiety associated with making decisions has sibling emotions that are equally important but quieter and more easily missed.

Before I present these emotions, let me first explain why they, in particular, arise. The answer to their nature is found in the etymology of the word ‘decision’ itself. Decision derives from the Latin root caedere, meaning ‘to cut,’ and the prefix de, meaning ‘off.’ So to decide means to cut off.

What is being cut off and from what? Possibilities are being cut off from one’s life, from ever being actualized. Thus, for some people, deciding is difficult because of grief. One can say that grief is even more unavoidable than fear because anytime a decision is made, whether it is ultimately deemed the right or wrong decision to have made, it involves the cutting off of some possibilities, and these possibilities (unavoidably) contain positive aspects.

How do I know that rejected options contain positive aspects? Because when we are confronted by a situation that offers one great option and many, even innumerable, bad options, we don’t usually regard that as making a decision. Here’s a mundane example: I live 3 miles from my office when I choose the shortest route and 6 miles when I choose the second shortest route. So, when I get in my car to drive to or from the office, I never think, “Which way shall I go today?” Unless I need to stop at a certain store or run an errand, I don’t consider the different ways of getting to work as presenting me with a decision-making opportunity. I just get in the car and go. Six miles is twice as far and, in this case, also takes twice as long as 3 miles; the 3-mile route is so obviously the right choice that it stops being a choice.

So, to be confronted with making a decision requires a situation in which 1) more than one option is present and 2) more than one option has positive aspects to it and/or every option has negative aspects to it. Thus, to be confronted with a decision-affording situation means having more than one good option or, conversely, having no good options.

To decide means to choose from closely matched good options or closely matched bad options.

So, fear does not only relate to the fear of choosing wrongly, but also to the fear of missing out. Even if I choose rightly/wisely, I will still miss out. If I get married, it means I will no longer be single, even though there’s a lot about being single I like. If I stay single, it means I will not be married, at least not to this person at this time, even though there’s a lot about marriage and this person that I desire. Every choice means cutting off options that are good or, at least, are imagined as being good.

To get better at making decisions, one should address the grief and regret that may occur in the (near or distant) future. The opportunities that will be missed can be grieved: the potential life that could have been or the person one might have been with, if the choice had been made differently. Because we are imagination-generating creatures who are so good at imagining what might have been, cutting off possible life paths is a real loss in the present. It helps to make this sense of loss explicit, to acknowledge it, to feel it, and to accept it.

Relatedly, along with the grief of missing out on that which one could have chosen but did not, is the sense of regret of choosing the option one did choose. Again, each option on offer in a decision-making situation contains within itself good and bad aspects. So, we can grieve the options we did not take and regret the option we did take. This is true – to some extent – even when we make the best choice and are now happy with it. This happiness and sense of having made the right decision doesn’t obviate the emotions that arise during the time that the choice was made.

The alternatives to living with a certain degree of grief and regret from making a decision are worse: not making a decision is an approach that is likely to lead to worse outcomes. This decision-avoidance, which is itself a passive decision-making strategy, can lead to, for example, a person texting a ‘second someone’ while on a date with a ‘first someone.’ Or even worse, it can mean marrying someone while carrying on with someone else. These behaviors bespeak a lack of commitment to one’s choice, an attempt to follow more than one path, an approach that may appear as “having one’s cake and eating it too,” but usually is a losing strategy because it results in worse results, such as broken relationships, lack of career advancement, and general unhappiness. When a person avoids commitment, it means they have chosen non-commitment. In such cases, that person might gain variety at the loss of depth of or integrity in a relationship, career, or life path.

Despite the emotional challenges in making a decision, actively making a decision, facing the fear, the grief, and regret, is better than continued avoidance. It is with the latter approach that one gives up whatever agency one had. It is with this passive approach that one has the most to fear.

What helps you move forward when the weight of uncertainty, regret, or fear shows up at the edge of a big decision?

I’d love to hear what’s worked for you — or what still feels hard.

Until next time,

Dr. Jack

LanguageBrief

“Decision is a sharp knife that cuts clean and straight; indecision, a dull one that hacks and tears and leaves ragged edges behind it.” – Gordon Graham

“Indecision is the thief of opportunity.” – Jim Rohn

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” – Unknown

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” – Walt Disney