Recently, I was at one of my regular joints for lunch, and at the table next to me were a group of retirees catching up and talking about their recent travels. One man mentioned he “ticked off” another travel destination “off his bucket list.” Bucket list, in case you’re unfamiliar, means the list of things you want to do before you ‘kick the bucket,’ die, that is.

These sounded like people of means, traveling to nice places, getting there through nice means like fancy cruises, staying at nice hotels or resorts, and taking nice guided tours once there.

Their travel reminiscences sounded ‘nice’ but also somehow … underwhelming. After all, this is not just any list of things a person wants to do; the bucket list is meant to list what is non-negotiably important to do before dying. It is this agglomeration of activities that should be the most important ones of all.

This got me thinking about how the bucket list can be expanded and deepened to include items other than just traveling to nice places, and that since these bucket list items are of such great importance, they should not be left until retirement.

Starting Early On One’s Bucket List

As young adults, it is hard for us to think about life in its full extent. It may be unnecessary to do so or even counterproductive in some cases. After all, young adults already have their hands full trying to make it, to establish themselves as responsible, independent adults.

In middle age, however, the creep of time becomes apparent. Lines on the face seen in the morning mirror appear. Energy seems lower, and questions sneak in on whether ‘this’ is all there is to life. These inklings (or full-on insights that can make a person need to sit down so they don’t fall over) often begin on a certain birthday, like reaching one’s 40th or 50th birthday. Sometimes it’s those mid-decade birthdays that are harder, like 45. Why? Because one realizes that one is now closer to 50 than to 40. One has stepped across the fulcrum of the teeter-totter and is now on the downward slope. Sometimes, these realizations occur when a certain event occurs, like for the couple who become empty-nesters or when a person decides or realizes definitively that they will not have kids.

Also related to age, a bucket list might be useful to consider anew for each life phase, not think of it as “something I need to do or see before I die” but instead as “something I need to do or see before I’m 40.” Each life phase affords certain choices while closing off others. For example, starting to run marathons for the first time in one’s 60s is probably not recommended, or learning how to ski in one’s 70s.

The Transformative Bucket List

Some choices seem shallow, not deeply satisfying. For example, just laying eyes on another place as you fly in and fly out of it in a matter of a few days (or less) is enough if you haven’t traveled much. But after several such brief ‘touchdowns,’ doesn’t it get boring or maybe even something worse? A person might start to consider “How about we spend more time in one place, learning the language a bit, the history, taking cooking classes, or something like that?” Even this is limiting – you’ll never deeply understand the people in the place you visit, nor fit in – you’ll still be a tourist – but it might still be a satisfying form of engagement.  

So, how can one think about their bucket list as a more substantive, significant organizing principle to engage in? And do so as soon as one becomes aware of one’s mortality – not abstractly, but as a looming reality and certain eventuality?

Once the bucket list is seen as that which is most important for a person to accomplish, then it can form the backbone for how to judge life possibilities and how to decide among them and commit to one or a few. The bucket list then becomes a list of one’s core life goals based on one’s core life values.

The bucket list no longer needs to be seen as a list of leisure activities engaged in during the retirement years, perhaps nothing more than a shiny distraction for an otherwise unappealing life stage.

The bucket list can include any of the following:

  • Daily rituals that open up and allow a person to engage in the sacred or transcendent aspect of life
  • New mindsets that allow a person to transform into the kind of person they believe they were meant to be
  • A discipline of knowledge development or skill acquisition that can be put to use
  • A series of edifying experiences that can lead to greater understanding and creativity

The transformative bucket list doesn’t need to be thought of as new learnings, approaches, and experiences for the same person you are, but instead for the person these activities can help you become, to transform into the person you wish to be. This can mean:

  • To be more present and aware in the present
  • A better thinker, artist, creator
  • A better friend, parent, sibling, etc
  • To be more convivial, more of a ‘good spirit’ to those you love and cherish
  • To become a positive influence, a role model, and one who leaves a legacy
  • Rising to meet your destiny

Here’s a random list of possibilities that came to mind:

  • Take on the mindset of saying Yes to everything. See where it takes you.
  • Take on the mindset of saying No to (almost) everything. Sometimes the most transformative change is to eliminate the bullshit from your life. Growing older discloses the preciousness of time. Choose poorly and end your life in disappointment and resentment. Choose well and live in satisfaction.
  • Embrace the difficulties. Reflect on how you respond to them. And how you could more productively respond to them.
  • Avoid perfection and complexity unless the complexity is inherent to the adventure. Stop placing prerequisites on all the things you want to do. Do them in the simplest, most immediate way possible.
  • When you plan a trip or a major activity, like climbing a mountain, journal beforehand, journal while you’re there, reflect, and journal afterwards. Anticipation and recall are large parts of any experience. Stretch and deepen each experience rather than rushing from one to another.
  • Consider the simple, near-to-home things. There’s nothing like breaking bread and conversing with family and friends. It just may be that these are the kinds of experiences you’ll most cherish. And they don’t require a lot of time or money.
  • Learn to make or build things, either practical or artsy. Plant a garden. Play an instrument.
  • Have a reason for why ‘this’ and not ‘something else’? It doesn’t have to be a good reason for anyone other than for you. Remember that bucket list items are there because you deem them to be of requisite importance. So ensure that they are. Choose based on who you wish to become.
  • Be open to serendipity. Something may ‘fall’ into your gaze. Notice it. Bucket lists change over time. Some plans lose their shine while new journeys beckon.
  • Some people are collectors. They strive to complete their collection, be it of Gucci bags, climbing the highest mountains on each continent, or visiting every Vermeer painting in the world. Maybe you’re a collector too. That’s fine. But if you’re not, don’t feel the need to complete ‘the list.’ Sometimes completion is worth it and has a quality all its own, but sometimes it doesn’t.
  • Avoid satisfying simple curiosity. That’s a good way to get lost in ‘the din,’ the endless distractions this world offers. One can spend lifetimes investigating possibilities. Even if you had these multiple lifetimes, what would satisfying your curiosity bring you? Perhaps nothing but more things to be curious about. You can’t keep up. Don’t try to. Discern and choose wisely.

Yours Along the Journey,
Dr. Jack

LanguageBrief

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” – Joseph Campbell

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anaïs Nin

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson