I think almost everyone would wish to be kinder than they are. (Sometimes it’s the people who already are very kind who are most distressed by their lapses in kindness.) Today I postulate that the main enemy of kindness is stress. Before I explain let me focus on features of kindness.

Kindness towards others is demonstrated by behaviors that communicate friendliness, generosity, affection, warmth, and concern. It involves the ability to consider another person’s perspective and act to meet that person’s needs. The person towards whom kindness is extended comes to believe that the kind person is trustworthy and that their behavior has no ulterior motives. They trust that they will not be betrayed or taken advantage of. They can let their guard down.

Note the following terms: generous, considerate, and able to take another person’s perspective. These capacities presuppose that the kind person has a fund of internal resources they can spend to focus on the bigger picture and to meet another person’s needs. Conversely, a person who is depleted will either communicate a lack of kindness or frank unkindness. That person is likely to be hunkered down simply trying to survive and suffer through their dilemmas and challenges. A person under stress has a narrowing of their perspective on meeting their basics of safety and survival. Another person’s needs are the least of their worries.

If you ever find yourself being uncharacteristically unkind that is a good indication you are under stress. Stress is borne from experiencing a gap between your perception of what the world demands from you and your ability to meet those demands. Here are some stress-inducing “gaps:”

  • Time: the gap between your ability to complete all the tasks you’ve been assigned (or assigned yourself) and the time you have available.
  • Control: the gap between what you feel responsible for and your perceived level of control.
  • Competence: the gap between the complexity of problems you face and the level of knowledge and skill you believe yourself to have.
  • Expectation: the gap between what you expect out of your life or some aspect of it and what you’re getting; usually related to repeated efforts to meet the expectation and falling short.

To become more consistently kind, focus on decreasing your stress. Review the “stress gaps” that may be playing out in your life. Begin with the ones above and consider other types I haven’t mentioned.

Reviewing your sources of stress is not easy, but I cannot emphasize enough that the most important step in solving a problem is defining, in detail, the nature of that problem. For instance, you may identify that your main stress is related to your time gap. Go further and consider which activities contribute the most to your “time hunger.” It may turn out that you’re spending way too much time on charting. Knowing this provides you with a focused solution. Solving your “stress problem” now becomes straightforward, although not easy, take better notes, faster. The defined problem naturally leads you to a solution.

One more point, a person who has been under stress chronically can develop habits of thinking and behavior that perpetuate a lack of kindness or frank unkindness. Once the veil of stress has lifted, it may take additional efforts to look up and out, to start considering the bigger picture: one’s future, loved ones, and others.

Until next time.

Dr. Jack

LanguageBrief

“People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.” – Kent M. Keith

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Ian McLaren

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” – Leo Buscaglia

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” – Mark Twain

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop