I think we physicians and other clinicians are a pretty assertive bunch. Even so, I think it’s good to be reminded of the following success motto: Do The Ask!

This motto refers to a certain division of labor: it’s your job to ask for whatever it is you’re looking for. And it’s the other person’s job to give you a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No.’

Pretty straightforward concept, isn’t it?

Yet, I regularly have conversations during which it’s clear that the person I’m conversing with does not live by this motto – to their detriment. In some cases, the person is too ‘shy’ to ask for whatever it is they want (from me or from someone else). They leave empty-handed from interactions that potentially could have led to some very beneficial results, often for both parties. In other cases, the person does the ask but only after first negotiating against themselves, imagining how the other person will react, and ultimately making a much more modest request than they may have otherwise achieved or by couching the ask in ways that make it easy to ignore.

Now, living by the Do The Ask! motto seems like it could lead to selfish or otherwise obnoxious behavior. It’s enough to get on one flight to realize that there are many self-entitled people around us. Yes, of course. Doing The Ask! could be used for selfish ends and result in obnoxious behaviors, but so too can most mindsets and comportments. But Doing The Ask! could be used for beneficial ends too. For example, many clinicians will advocate for improved conditions for patients or staff in their clinic or medical center. Doing The Ask! effectively and with confidence can improve chances of success.

Do The Ask! plays out in many aspects of life. It can be deployed in business, professional life, and personal life. A few examples:

  • Asking for a salary increase
  • Asking to get ‘it’ in writing
  • Asking the insurance provider for a higher reimbursement rate
  • During employment negotiations, asking for lower on-call frequency
  • Asking someone out on a date
  • Asking a colleague for help
  • Asking your significant other or family member for help in doing chores or caring for family members

Yes, even negotiating higher reimbursement for your services is possible if you’re in a scarcity specialty or geographic location. Most of us don’t even know that such flexibility exists.

The question arises, “Why, although the benefits may seem obvious, it often is hard to Do The Ask!”? Of course, we are not all built the same. Some people are naturally bolder than others. Some are more risk averse than others. This is good; we don’t all want to be exactly the same. (Next week I’ll discuss negotiation strategies for those of us who are on the shyer end of the spectrum.)

Now let me tell you how this concept – it’s a simple one, I know – first struck me. It’s a little far afield but it led me to awareness of self-sabotaging self-negotiation, of giving up, and of Doing The Ask!

Back in the day, during my tenure training psychiatrists for their oral boards, a common occurrence was observing an exam candidate during a mock exam who would stumble and then seemingly give up in the middle of interviewing a patient or of presenting a case to me, the mock examiner. You could track this change in the candidate’s eyes: one moment they’re struggling but still in the game; the next moment the fight has left them. It was at that point the candidate decided that they had failed their mock exam. In my feedback I would repeat to them, sometimes thunderously so; “It’s your job to interview the patient and to present the case to the best of your ability. You are going to screw up at some point. I know this because everyone screws up. No one does a perfect job. BUT it is NOT your job to pass or fail yourself. That is the job of the examiner. You do your job and let them do their job!”

The point I learned is that a common reason a person stops themselves from Doing The Ask! is due to judging themselves negatively, by becoming their own judge and jury, and rendering a negative verdict. In the case of the exam candidate, in their mind they failed themselves. In the case of someone on the verge of Doing The Ask! but stifling themselves, it’s because they too ‘failed’ themselves. They decided their request was too outlandish, that they were not worthy or in the position to ask, or that the person they were about to ask would say no.

Now, sometimes there are legitimate reasons that get in the way of Doing The Ask! Let me give an example. It’s another one from my work with psychiatry residents. One psychiatry resident I mentored continued to put off asking a patient in treatment about their unpaid clinic bills. (In this system, it was the resident seeing the patient who was to ensure the copays were paid.) Despite increasing discomfort with his continued avoidance and, perhaps, with growing resentment of the patient for placing him in this predicament, the resident still avoided Doing The Ask! Why was this so difficult for him? It turned out it was because he was doing a course of psychotherapy with the patient and did not have faith in the quality of his work. My response was, “Then improve the quality of your skills to the point where YOU are convinced of the benefits of what you offer the patient. Then Do the Ask!” In this case the hesitancy to Do the Ask! spurred some self-reflection and provided him with motivation for improvement.

So, to end, remember that it is your job to Do The Ask! It is the job of the other person to give you a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No.’

Thanks, and next week I’ll continue this mini-series on negotiation and decision-making.

Dr. Jack

Language Brief

“If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” — Seth Godin

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” ― Helen Keller

“I prefer to be alive, so I’m cautious about taking risks.” ― Werner Herzog

“What is ‘no’? Either you have asked the wrong question, or you have asked the wrong person. Find a way to get the ‘yes’.” ― Jeanette Winterson

“One who asks a lot of questions is often rewarded with a lot of answers plus more question(s).” ― Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel